Exposed to GBV as a Child? Here’s How It Might Be Shaping Your Love Life

Trauma can manifest in different forms, from physical to emotional and psychological. While physical trauma can be healed, psychological and emotional trauma can be subdued and glossed over, later reenacting itself indirectly or unconsciously throughout our lives. The topic discussed is metaphorical in the sense that by “opened scabs” we mean old wounds which we thought were healed, either emotional or psychological, being brought up again. “Bleeding onto others” may take the form of unresolved traumas from previous relationships being projected onto individuals in present relationships.

Impact on Relationships

These experiences can be debilitating in current relationships. For example, reenacting trauma from a previous relationship where you were not treated properly, and as a defense mechanism, pushing away people and purposefully jeopardizing the relationship. This is a situation Jorja Smith spoke about in her song The One, where she said she was afraid of needing someone because of fear of being let down. It creates a habit of viewing other people through a lens obscured by past experiences, which often leads to negative assumptions. For instance, a partner who could not make it to an outing, and the first thing one thinks of is that he is just like their father who never showed up for appointments. Those feelings of abandonment and anger from unfulfilled promises can result in toxicity in relationships.

Men who were exposed to Gender Based Violence (GBV) while growing up, because they have unresolved traumas of seeing people close to them subjected to it, may normalize abusive behaviors. Or, as a coping mechanism, they may become extremely aggressive, straining their relationships in the process. After all, what we were exposed to in our early childhoods is what we embody in our adulthood.

As much as many people may think they are over their traumatic pasts, certain events may trigger unexpected reactions from us, which in most cases we are not aware of. Emotionally overreacting to a situation that does not warrant that kind of reaction is a typical example that someone is not over their traumas. Being defensive, constantly on guard, and always looking for people to blame are key indicators of people who are projecting past traumas. Another indicator can be seen in people who are always in repeated patterns of toxic or emotionally triggering relationships, because this is what they are familiar with, and somehow they think reliving the same past experiences will bring a different outcome. This is a situation which Sigmund Freud called the repetition compulsion.

The Path to Healing

Healing from trauma is not an easy process, but it is possible. As the saying goes, “a wound that is hidden festers; a wound that is aired heals.”
The first step to healing unresolved traumas is observing patterns of behavior that trigger emotional reactions and acknowledging one’s trauma. Denial of its existence keeps it buried, making it hard to move on.
The second step is open communication, sharing one’s experience with someone you trust, either it be a social support group or seeking professional help through therapy.
The third step is giving oneself space to heal before getting into relationships. Work on yourself. Hurt people hurt others. Take your time, pause, and give yourself time to breathe and self-introspect. Self-reflection is the path toward healing. This paves a way for forgiveness and reconciliation.
Finally, establishing boundaries. Distancing oneself from people and situations that trigger or reenact one’s trauma is not avoidance or cowardice. It is protecting one’s peace of mind and energy and reinvesting it into improving one’s emotional well-being.

The Young Women Leadership Club Space in Support

The YWLC offers a safe and inclusive space for providing emotional support for individuals dealing with unresolved traumas. We have a body mapping session at each and every meeting where we check if everyone is doing well and encourage our members to feel free to speak about such issues. Issues like Gender Based Violence and oppression, as well as breaking patterns of stigma and fostering peer solidarity, are addressed. The club aims to support and uplift individuals in their journey toward healing, resilience, and self-discovery of one’s strengths and weaknesses.

About The Author 

Boitshepho Valentina Kgamanyane is a 4th-year student at the University of Botswana pursuing a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and Sociology. A feminist at heart and an advocate for the equity of women in all spaces, she is committed to decimating hierarchies within society. Her joining the YWLC is part of paving a path for mental health advocacy and eliminating the intersectional ties between patriarchy, race, gender, socioeconomic status, and ethnicity. She promotes gender equity, women empowerment, and social justice.
An aspiring child psychologist, she envisions a career guiding children through their developmental phases and helping them overcome issues of low self-confidence and self-esteem. A nurturer for future leaders destined to overtake spaces where they were once deemed unfit to enter.