Crazy in Love… or Just Crazy?

We are now in an era where loving, safe, and healthy relationships are becoming extinct, and we see toxic, abusive, and unhealthy relationships becoming the norm. Toxic relationships are more common than we care to admit, and sadly, the signs often go unnoticed. Whether it’s a romantic partner, friend, or even a family member, the cycle of manipulation, control, emotional and physical harm can be easy to overlook, especially when it’s disguised as care or concern.

Why Do We Normalize Abuse?

The contradiction where the person who professes to love you is also the source of harm creates deep psychological conflict and makes it difficult for victims to recognize the abuse or leave the relationship. These relationships often involve cycles of tension, abuse, and reconciliation, commonly known as the cycle of abuse, which can create emotional dependency and make it harder for victims to leave. Red flags such as possessiveness, constant criticism, gaslighting, and threats are frequently present, yet they are often overlooked or normalized, especially when disguised as intense love or concern.

Tolerating toxic relationships and abuse is a deep-rooted issue among many Batswana and Africans. This tradition has its origins in the experiences of our forefathers, who often internalized abusive behavior as something they must endure to maintain their relationships or as a sign of commitment. The saying, “A good wife stays no matter what,” reflects the beliefs instilled in women of older generations. They were told to stay silent, which only further suppressed their pain. Abuse was often treated as a private family issue, not something to be discussed or reported, particularly by women. This widespread acceptance not only invalidates victims’ experiences but also protects perpetrators by excusing or minimizing their abusive actions. Phrases like, “That’s how men are,” have allowed verbal put-downs, silent treatments, and emotional coldness to be overlooked and dismissed as normal male behavior rather than recognized as abuse. Consequently, abuse continues unchecked, perpetuating a cycle of violence across generations.

Today, we are witnessing a shift in how abusive behaviors are perceived, particularly among the youth, who often refer to these behaviors as their “love language.” However, it is essential to recognize that abuse is abuse, regardless of how it is framed. Gen Z has normalized toxic behaviors such as excessive jealousy and emotional manipulation, which are frequently mistaken for deep affection. In reality, this kind of jealousy can lead to possessiveness, monitoring, and isolation. These are forms of emotional abuse that are often justified with statements like, “I just care about you too much to see you with other people.” Even more alarmingly, some individuals may threaten their partners to prevent breakups, coercing them into physical intimacy by manipulating their emotions. They often say things like, “If I can’t have you, nobody will.” This manipulative behavior is tragically common among young people and creates a guilt-based entrapment in toxic relationships. This cycle is often how passion killings begin, and sadly, in Botswana, there has been a worrying increase in young women being killed by their partners.

Recognizing the Hallmarks of a Toxic Relationship

Toxic relationships are defined by recurring patterns of behavior that leave one partner feeling drained, controlled, or fearful. At the core of these relationships is emotional manipulation. Feeling like you’re always walking on eggshells, being blamed for things you didn’t do, or constantly being made to feel guilty or inadequate are common experiences. Gaslighting is another common tactic, where your partner denies or distorts reality, making you question your own memory, perceptions, or sanity. This psychological manipulation often leaves victims confused and doubting themselves.

Control and isolation are also red flags. A toxic partner may dictate who you see, where you go, or even how you dress. Over time, this leads to emotional and social isolation, cutting you off from your support system. Abuse can take many forms, and all are serious. The key to identifying these harmful dynamics is understanding that healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, support, and safety. If you feel fearful, belittled, isolated, or constantly on edge, it is a warning sign. No one deserves to live in fear or be controlled. Recognizing the signs is the first step toward reclaiming your voice, your strength, and your freedom.

What we can do to challenge and break the cycle of abuse is to educate and empower young women to set healthy boundaries and recognize the red flags. We can also challenge the toxic narratives we see in our society and on social media.

About The Author

Kesego Jessicah Nkile is a final-year double major Psychology and Sociology student at the University of Botswana. She is the former secretary of the YWLC, a peer tutor, and a student mentor. She is a passionate feminist, a dedicated gender activist, and an aspiring clinical neuropsychologist. She is committed to being part of the solution and is driven by a deep desire to create a more inclusive, equitable world where women’s voices are heard and mental health is prioritized. She often volunteers with organizations that align with her values, using every opportunity to advocate for women’s rights and mental wellness.